As I was reading about declining rates of volunteerism in the US, one hypothesis stayed with me: that decline is driving increased division in this country.[1] While there are certainly many factors behind the division we’re all seeing and experiencing, this hypothesis points to a larger issue, that we share fewer meaningful spaces with people who think differently than we do. The more siloed we are, the easier it is to avoid conflict. That might be an attractive prospect, but conflict is part of what helps us grow as people and as a society. Unfortunately, we often lack the skills to have tough conversations, and we miss opportunities for transformation.
At the Big Event last month, Eastern Mennonite Seminary Professor of Christian Ethics, Dr. Jacob Cook, gave a presentation on conflict transformation. Virginia, Lizzy, and I cornered him at the end of the meeting and invited him to help lead part of our church retreat. I think we can all appreciate the topic of learning to have tough conversations as we approach election day.
Tough conversations go beyond politics, though. Maybe the hardest conversations are ones we have with people we care about deeply. Some of those are discussions around major transitions and changes. I’ll put in a plug for funeral planning again - https://www.trinitypresbyterianharrisonburg.org/funeral-planning. Kim or I are happy to talk through this with you and/or your family. If you’ve done this but haven’t updated it recently, now is a good time to do that.
Under the surface of many difficult conversations hide a host of turbulent emotions: grief, anger, loss, and fear, to name a few. A recent study at Stanford paired individuals who didn’t know each other and who had many points of disagreement to engage in conversation together, and found that, though the pair often “came to these conversations ready for combat,” they “left feeling changed.” Hearing each other’s stories and cultivating empathy for the emotions behind them enabled the pairs to connect across the divides.[2] We need to be aware of the stories and emotions we bring, and listen for and honor the stories and emotions of our conversation partners. Unless we do that, it is unlikely that our tough conversations will help us learn and grow.
Dr. Cook shared that “Conflict Transformation” requires at least two of three conditions: relationship, skill, and structure. We don’t always have the benefit of structures that are conducive to tough conversations, like the Stanford experiment. One thing we can do to improve our capacity for transformation is to learn and practice the skills for having tough conversations. If we learn those skills and apply them to tough conversations with people with whom we are in relationship, we should be on our way to fruitful discussions that help both parties grow.
I look forward to learning these skills together as we navigate difficult conversations with friends, family members, neighbors, and each other. May we continue to grow together!
Grace and Peace,
Stephanie
[1] https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbesnonprofitcouncil/2024/03/29/the-decline-in-volunteering-is-driving-increased-division/
[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/09/10/cognitive-therapy-heal-political-division/?pwapi_token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJyZWFzb24iOiJnaWZ0IiwibmJmIjoxNzI2MDI3MjAwLCJpc3MiOiJzdWJzY3JpcHRpb25zIiwiZXhwIjoxNzI3NDA5NTk5LCJpYXQiOjE3MjYwMjcyMDAsImp0aSI6IjgxZjdkYzgyLTRhMmItNDBkNi05NGZjLWZhMGZkZDQ5MTBlMSIsInVybCI6Imh0dHBzOi8vd3d3Lndhc2hpbmd0b25wb3N0LmNvbS9vcGluaW9ucy8yMDI0LzA5LzEwL2NvZ25pdGl2ZS10aGVyYXB5LWhlYWwtcG9saXRpY2FsLWRpdmlzaW9uLyJ9.Nw-FS03SCtC5cHjKurX-dO0jbm8otFcOgysr9U_yXec
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